Relationships in a Jesus Not Paul World: How to Deal with the Isolation of Walking in Truth
How can one expect something from others which he himself is not able or willing to do?
As Believers, each one of us must reject selfish and sinful tendencies and characteristics and embrace God’s law, which leads to loving the Father and others before ourselves, but it also means loving ourselves as well in the sense that keeping the Father’s commandments produces the best possible outcomes (even though persecution will still exist), especially the outcome of everlasting life with the Father and His Son and having them with you by the Holy Spirit while you’re here on earth.
Paul is the most prominent root of division among Christians. It’s His maleficent teachings that have led to splinters and factions among Believers, so much so that hundreds of denominations with staggering differences is doctrine and application exists. You'll notice that the divisions are most often based in the epistles, not the Gospels and Revelation.
In Amos 3:3, the Father asks how can two walk together unless they agree, and this is why people who call themselves “Christians” are more at odds amongst themselves than even with opposing outside groups.
This division leads to isolation. But what’s interesting is that when you take Paul out of the equation, the ones who do so even further isolate yourself from those other “Believers” who will band themselves around Paul just to argue with you, lol.
This can be difficult for those standing alone on their faith. Notice the expression I used, “standing alone on their faith.” I could have said, “standing alone on the Father and His Word,” which if a person does that, they are in a position of strength and find that the yoke of Jesus is easy and His burden in light. But when one stands alone only on their beliefs (rather on the relationship with God) this stand becomes difficult because there is no relationship. Relationship is what we are all looking for, and we will discuss further in a moment how being insecure about our relationship with the Father can lead to compromise with human relationships, that is to say, we may partner up with others who don’t adhere to the same standards we do just to try to fill a relationship void that should have been filled by the Holy Spirit. Making this dangerous compromise is how we end up in imbalanced relationships, or even with narcissists who live like parasites off of us.
I will say though, it can't always be expected that you won't be in someone's life that does not reciprocate at the level you do. A parent would expect that from a child, and often the more mature in Jesus are the bigger givers and servants. Still, this imbalance can't go on forever. As the child and the Believer grow, the parents and the older give way to more of an equality between them, though total equality may never occur, there still should be reciprocity.
There's also the fact that even though you may be equals to someone, there's always the chance the Father intends for you to take separate paths. It's truly about the peace you feel in any situation, but especially in relationships. If you've lost peace or are troubled by a relationship, it doesn't always indicate malevolence on the other person's part. It can, but doesn't have to. If you feel this troubling in your spirit and continue to try to push a square peg in a round hole (as it were) you could find yourself in a unhealthy situation, first and foremost because you are not listening to the Holy Spirit's direction as to the nature of the relationship for you. Trying to rug-sweep the lost peace and troubling you feel to force something to work out is the wrong way to go in my experience. Best to move on even if you may not understand why.
Another ancillary point to this is when others reject you for what appears to be no reason. Yes, this can hurt, but why would you want someone in your life who doesn't want to be there? When I realized that "rejection is protection" and also that God doesn't even force people to love Him, I found a lot of freedom and security. If there's something wrong in me or my behavior that ran them off, then I should search it out and make it right. If they're rejecting me because they have another road to travel, then so be that. If they're rejecting me because I accept and follow the Truth and try to do right by the Father, blessed am I.
So much of the mistakes we make in relationships can be cast at the feet of the insecurity we feel at being left alone. We can't proclaim as Jesus did, "but I am not alone because the Father is with me," with confidence and thus we do feel all so alone even though we should be experiencing the feeling of completion that the Father and the Son making their abode in us by the Holy Spirit (John 14) should bring.
When a person stands on the Father and His Son Jesus Christ’s Words as his true firm foundation, and keeps those commandments, then he becomes strengthened for those times when he is isolated and alone, but not alone, because the Father is with him. He can even enjoy the alone experience without overwhelming feelings of loneliness, because he is so caught up in what the Father is doing in his life. But if the Believer can't find that place of enjoyment in the Father and His commandments, then out of loneliness and despair he may find himself compromising his values by forming relationships with people who don’t care about the commandments (even if they give them lip-service). And if they don't care about keeping the commandments and still consider themselves Believers, they are more than likely adherents to Paul's ever present teachings, because in the western world they are as ubiquitous as air and cell phones.
As has been discussed on this channel, even among those who have decided to leave off listening to and following Paul’s false teachings, many of us disagree about the other side of that equation: what it means to follow the Father and His Son Jesus Christ. We even disagree about who Jesus is and His role in the Father’s creation. This, too, causes us to be even further isolated from one another. But when there is this level of disagreement division must be. The only way to true freedom and a relationship with the Father and His Son Jesus Christ is to find the Truth and obey it. If two are in disagreement about the Truth as relates to major salvational doctrinal matters, both can’t be following the Truth. One of the two parties can, or perhaps even both could be believing a lie, but two opposed ideas cannot be true at the same time.
This is the problem with regard to people truly seeking the Truth, they are one the road to everlasting life, which is narrow and has a straight gate, and FEW THERE BE THAT FIND IT. The further you walk down that road, the fewer there are to be your companions. The key is to find them and pray that you've worked on yourself with regard to God's Word and that they have, too, and that you both can have friendships of reciprocity. That you've both become people who will deny themselves to serve the Father and help others, and that you both can receive from the other when it's their time to give.
In a world full of narcissists, you can see how very few people endeavor to walk this road. It's because it requires repentance for hurting the Father, others, and even our own selves. It also requires commitment to following God’s law and in so doing actually learning to love the Father, others and ourselves by keeping the Word. As Jesus said, this is the basis of all the law and the Prophets. Why do so many of us miss the mark on something so simple? Why is it so hard to get out of our own way and focus on helping the Father and others? Why are we so self-centered?
Many Believers who have reformed their lives and lined them up with the Word to some degree, will, often out of a desperate sort of loneliness, find a candidate for companionship (friendship or marital) who has not made him or herself right with the Father (even though he or she purports to through fakery). Getting with such a fake Believer leads to an imbalanced relationship, where often the true Believer finds him or herself floundering in at best a top heavy relationship where they do all or most the “work” or at worst in an abusive situation where they become enslaved to the other person, all because he or she jumped the gun and took on someone who seemed to show interest and even desire, but it lacked the true agreement in the Spirit necessary to foster a true and loving relationship.
If the other person were to be a narcissist, what interest he or she did express was more that of a predator shark who smells bloody chum in the water, who wants to vampirically feed off the life of the victim with as little effort as possible.
Because many true Jesus Not Paul type Believers experience a tremendous amount of rejection, when someone comes along who puts on that he not only receives you, but with his words appears to respect you for your stances and choices to serve the Father, even though there may be many other red flags in his or her behavior that say otherwise, it’s really easy to fall prey to latching on to that person because there seems to be no one else to turn to. Like a man in a raft stranded at sea who starts drinking the sea water because no fresh water is available, Believers not shored up in relationship with the Father can reach for that sea water as if its fresh and slow kill themselves as a result.
If you’re dealing with a narcissist in a relationship, this is the recipe for your destruction he or she is counting on. And if you’re isolated due to believing truths about the Bible and lack support from friends and family, and if you’re somewhat loosely tethered to the Father because for some reason (usually due to sin or idolatry) you can't get the relationship strong enough from your end to relieve experience being loved by Him to the point where you feel secure, you will experience loneliness and desperation and the observant narcs will see you as a target ripe for the taking. The Believer who is not grounded and secure in the Father while alone is like the lone gazelle being tracked by the hungry lion on the Savannah, ripe to make a mistake and to get with the wrong person to fill a void that shouldn’t be there if the Father had become the Believers true all and all. The gazelle actually tries to befriend and marry the lion. How long before he eats?
I mentioned red flags in others that lone Believers often see but ignore, and more often than not they involve sin (breaking the commandments) as the constant in the narc friend’s life. Here’s some ideas that serve to highlight possible red flags:
In romantic relationships, the person doesn’t really want to marry but wants sex anyway, which is against the Father’s law.
Since a narcissist can only fake being nice so much, how does he or she treat people other than yourself, especially those considered beneath them, i.e. service workers, wait staff, retail workers, janitors/housekeepers, yard workers, random passers by. Does the person actually care about others or look at them as if they’re less than? When the person engages others, does he or she actually listen and process what’s being said, sincerely caring, or does he or she gloss over other people’s contributions and automatically revert back to self?
How is he/she with animals? Generally speaking, a person who is cruel to animals or even dismissive about them makes me wonder about their relationship with the Father since He created them. I’m not saying everyone has to overly love animals, or that someone who doesn’t like cats, for example, can’t know the Father, but there is something to the way people treat God’s creation, including the earth, that shows whether or not a connection to Him exists.
What does he/she do for work? Is the job only done for wealth? Is the job parasitic (does it leach of others while adding no real value while also making slaves of others) or does it help people (in service). (Be careful with this one, not everyone with jobs meant to help other people (doctors, nurses, teachers, ministers) are really in the job to do so. Many are narcissists who take the job either for status or other malevolent reasons.)
Now let’s discuss when a Christian consistently compromises accepting others who do not reciprocate or who are in sin in order to maintain a friendship or romantic relationship: one who does so more often than not finds himself in relationships that God has not ordained and in so doing incurs much suffering. When I’ve done this in my own life, it has often been because I was in too much of a hurry to be with someone. I was too willing to overlook the parade of red flags passing by in order to maintain a connection, but the connection was almost entirely being held together from my end, while the other person was taking advantage. In so many ways, I was the only one doing the work, having to constantly apply the glue to hold together the paper mache that was our relationship.
One reason Christians compromise on allowing unhealthy relationships is because they’re not trusting the Father to bring the proper people along. Like a man in a desert looking for water that doesn’t seem to exist, stumbling upon an oasis also feels highly improbable. But it’s the Father who ordains our relationships and our marriages. All who seek Him must go through their own metaphorical desert to get to the promised land. It’s the faith that the Father will do what He says He will do, even if it takes what we deem an inordinate amount of time (as it probably did to Abraham with regard to him having Isaac), we still have to trust that the Father has our best in mind, especially if we repent and make things right with Him.
I’ve seen where multiple people I know have waited and the Father brought them just the right person. This does happen, but if we’re desperate, and willing to compromise to try to get to the end result too soon (see Abraham taking Hagar and the troubled that followed), we may end up with consequences we wish we had never faced.
Been there done that. Nearly all of us have. And all of us regret it.
When we are in that mode of desperation, Christians can become enablers of our friends or suitors who are want to take advantage. Christians are often loving and kind by default and try to “nice-guy” others with the hopes they will adopt and reflect our behaviors, but instead, often we take away their opportunity to be nice or, if we are dealing with narcissists, they see this niceness as weakness and something that can and should be taken advantage of, thereby creating an imbalance so heavy that the relationship becomes entirely one sided: the Biblical Christian becomes the host/slave and the narcissist the parasite. But the Christian is often the one who helped set up and foster the dynamic, constantly trying to be the one in service, this can take away the opportunity for the other to be in service, too. Relationships need to be reciprocal, giving both participants the chance to give and receive.
But when dealing with narcissists, their goal to enslave victims and ultimately send them to death. Satan surely comes for to “rob, kill and destroy” and this is the narcissists Job.
Relationships, either friendships, marital or familial, don’t have to be this way. And we don’t have to settle for such conditions.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you’ve settled until you encounter other people who are walking in the commandments who also have empathy. This, too, can be a rare combination.
Another way people get stuck in bad situations is when they consider Jesus’ command to “turn the other cheek,” (it’s often the narcissist hitting you that says you should turn that cheek just so they can hit you again). The problem is, Jesus is not saying to infinitely turn the other cheek, otherwise He would have gave these words in Matthew 18:
If someone is wronging and taking advantage of us, we can and should invoke Jesus’ Matthew 18 command to run through the three step process of seeing if the person you’re dealing with can actually repent when its necessary.
You first go to them alone and discuss the grievance. If the person does not repent, then you bring two or three others. If no repentance then, the whole body of Believers. If they don’t repent after that, you treat them as a heathen and a publican.
This is one of the most ignored commands of Jesus in “Churchianity,” primarily because the wicked love to manipulate us indefinitely, and make us their slaves.
Many of us have gone against the Father, by not standing up for ourselves according to Matthew 18, and remain in an infinite loop at the end of bad treatment from those among our friends and families who care very little about others, especially you, but what they really care about is the energy, support, and service you provide them without them giving anything back in return.
Transitioning for what to look for in friends and companions:
If you’re the giving type, are they, too?
When in communication, is the discussion top heavy to one side, that is to say, does the other person focus predominantly on him/herself and rarely on you.
When you do talk about something important to you, do they respond with caring attention, that is to say, do they ask questions or show interest in what you’re saying?
Do you predominantly show that care yourself only to not see it reciprocated?
When you see them talking to others, can they get outside themselves and show they care (as Jesus would?) for what the others are saying? Again, this is very important. You really need to see how your person treats others (not just you) to know what the real patterns of their lives might be. Many people can fake care and concern for periods of time, so seeing them engage with others may tell a bigger story.
Phases
Some times people are in your life for phases of time, that is to say, the Father may using you as a light to them, or them as a light to you, but if balance is not eventually achieved the Father may lead you to move on. Even if balance is achieved, He may move you on from a friend because you both could do more apart, or simply because the Father is incredible at bringing us into the new. There’s nothing boring about the Father. When things have run their course He will move you on for your own sake and for His glory. I think He even gets bored with redundant loops on our behalf, sometimes He likes freshness in our stories I think, because He knows we would like it and He enjoys our enjoyment.
But no matter where you are in relationships, seeking for balance means both parties, including yourself, are loving the Father with all your hearts souls minds and strengths and each other as yourselves.
I have been in ministry a long time, and suffice to say that I’ve seen very few people who get right with the commandments also become more selfless, too. It’s one thing to obey the commandments and try to stop hurting other people, it’s something else to it to the next level and have a servant’s heart for others. It seems so difficult for many of us to get out of our own way in this sense, and put anything or anyone above ourselves in our own story arcs.
Here is a metaphor that illustrates this: let’s say each one of us is a book that can be read and written into. When we are with other people, we can pick up their books and read and also write something into their lives. Some people have an extremely difficult time putting down their own book long enough to participate at that level in others’ stories. They’re always reading and writing their own book as the main character and when people come into their lives, they are simply there to fill his/her pages. The self-centered person can’t handle when the other person begins to tell his own story or to try to draw him into his/her book, even if the intent is only to receive support and kindness, but the self-centered person just can’t seem to put down his own book long enough to be able to use the empathy it takes to look into that other book and contribute.
I’m sure if you look at your own life you can see such imbalances, where either you were stuck in your own book or stuck in someone else’s. I think the balance we look for in this life is to have friendships and relationships where our books and stories overlap and where we contribute positively to each other’s lives in relatively equal levels. Sure there can be ebbs and flows to it, but overall are we people who give as much as we get, or get as much as we give? Jesus said we don’t live only be served, but to be a servant of all, this is true, but there isn’t supposed to be only a handful of servants in the Body of Christ, each one of us is meant to serve and uplift the other. The True servants should be served as well by other true servants. There must be reciprocity or the ones always serving will get weak and possibly die. It’s narcissistic as Satan himself to watch the servants do all the heavy lifting while others ride their coattails. I’m getting angry just typing this because I have seen this in various degrees all my life. We all have. It’s satanic to be a parasite who never gives back.
I want to ask you, what kind of friend or companion are you. Can you have a healthy attention to your own life while also being an active caring participant in others’ lives? Look how Jesus lived: He washed the feet of His disciples, He constantly taught people to repent, pray and get closer to the Father, to keep the commandments for the betterment of their earthly lives and so they could have everlasting life. He shed His blood so that we could be forgiven and set free, and receive the Holy Spirit. His story was actually our story because He made His whole life about us. Do you make your life about others, too, or is it all about you?
If you know the Truth about Paul, I beg of you to ask the Father to help you make your life about Him first, and then others, so that you can share that Truth and get people to follow our Messiah, Jesus Christ the Righteous One, instead.
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